I have a relative who’s son, about 10 year old, seems to be fond of me. He is an avid talker. He will talk about anything and everything with me. Problem is, he doesn’t understand that I’m an introverted piece of shit. Even though I like being with him when I feel like talking, other times I can’t match his energy and feel exhausted. To just ignore what he’s saying and stop responding all of a sudden makes me feel bad. He’s really a good kid. How do I tell him to give me a break without hurting him?
Be somewhat honest with the kid. Let him know you love chatting with him, but you’re over sensory (or whatever your particular issue is at the time) at the moment and you can’t give him the attention he deserves right now, but you’d love to hear about it later.
Kids are smarter and notice more than you think. Being honest and open about your issues is healthy for both of you, and helps show the kid it’s ok to not be in the mood to talk to someone and a kind/polite way to disengage.
Kids can also be considerate if they care about you. Once they know the rules of the game, they will follow the rules just to make their favorite adult happy.
Seconding this. He sounds smart enough to understand “Hey, I need a few minutes, but I still want to talk”.
Raising our kids, we never used reasons like “because I said so”, we always explained why we made the decisions we did, so our children learned reasoning and understanding as they grew. Kids are generally quick to learn, and can understand most situations if explained plainly. Talk to them with clarity and respect and you’ll be surprised at the response you get.
(Teach him the force, pic unrelated)
Does his talking exhaust you or is it the need for you to come up with responses? Or is it that you just want to be alone?
Depending on the answer,
“I love being with you but I’m too tired for talking. How about you tell me stuff you’re learning/a story while we do Lego and I’ll just keep quiet.”
“I love you but I’m feeling peopled out, I need to be alone today.”
“I would love to spend some time with you but my ears have had a hard day and I’m going to put some cotton in and rest them. Do you think you want to just be quiet together, or would you rather go where you can be noisy?”
In the last one, the cotton balls are a visual reminder to him not to talk, because he’s going to keep feeling the impulse. It’s good if he learns to resist it, but it can be hard to learn. It also indicates that it’s not just him you don’t want to listen to.
Treat him like a grown up.
Be honest that some people need peace and quiet and while you enjoy spending time with him you can’t handle it all the time.
He’s old enough to understand it, and you’ll do a better job explaining it than some 10 year old he knows from school.
Kids are sponges and learn social cues like that really quickly, but someone has to tell them what’s going on. There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling a kid that age to chill out
Treating kids like grown ups is very important for development.
It’s what they want more than anything too.
Like, all the tools are baked in, but kids who don’t run into limits grow up to be adults who can’t recognize limits.
I thought they “yearned for the mines”?
That’s why we gave them minecraft.
Yeah, the AP ones
And treating grown ups like kids is useful sometimes too!
You may be one of the few or the only adult he feels comfortable talking to, adults tend to blow off or ignore kids all together.
Your listening to him might mean the absolute world to him. I know it’s one of the reasons why I still hold my father in such high regard.
Teach them meditation, then get then to practice with you when you don’t want to talk.
Or explain that you are not always up for his level of energy and want to know how to let him know. Do this when you do have the energy, that way they know you still like them being sround but need breaks sometines. Kids are pretty adaptable at that age and not nearly as judgy as adults if they understand you are being honest.
Oh, well. He’s kinda slow too. Not really sure if he will understand.
I’ve taught literal toddlers that my dog needs his alone time when he’s in his crate.
A 10 year old should be able to understand that sometimes people just don’t want to play/talk. Maybe wear headphones or some other very visible indicator that you’re not social right then?
Does it bother him when you don’t respond? I don’t know this boys particular circumstances but Western culture has a mentorship crisis when it comes to young boys and men, generally speaking.
You shouldn’t have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable but, as an introvert myself, I have come to learn that kinship sometimes means doing your own thing in the presence of others. This is really important to children since they want to feel like they’re part of something bigger.
If he’s not expecting a response to everything and you’re OK with just being together I’d advocate for that. You may find it to be healthy for both of you. Depends on your specific circumstances though.
There’s also a mentorship crisis for young girls and women. I get that there are certain challenges that boys face more than girls, but I don’t think lack of mentorship is one of them. We just don’t have much of any mentorship at all in our society here in the US.
Definitely true for both and the natural consequence of hyperindividualism. In the case of boys, it seems that a few too many are turning to the manosphere for mentorship which is particularly concerning.
Oh, I agree completely. The impacts of this lack of mentorship are very different from one gender to another.
Be direct and honest. “Hey, buddy, I want to hear what you have to say, but I’m feeling a little overwhelmed right now.” Kids learn from the example you provide, and expressing your feelings in a positive and honest way is how he’s going to learn to do the same.
I would also suggest you put that energy to good use. Kids enjoy feeling helpful and a part of the process. If he’s rambling on, you don’t need to send him away. He’s just excited to share with you. Maybe ask if he wants to color with you while you talk, or ask if he just wants to sit with you a while. Maybe he’ll get bored and run off to do something else, or he’ll sit with you and just enjoy the peaceful moments. Either way, it’s his decision to respect your boundary, creating a healthy relationship.
If, on the other hand, he doesn’t respect your boundary, eg you ask him for a moment and he just keeps talking over you, it’s not impolite to ask him to pay attention to your request and respond. You’re not his parent, so you’re not responsible for discipline or manners, but it’s helpful to a child if you explain to him how he’s making you feel. “It doesn’t seem like you heard me. I said I am feeling overwhelmed, and I need a few quiet minutes to myself. Can you respect that?”
Try to say that as calmly as possible. Don’t make it about him, but tell him directly what you expect him to do.
Might he recognize something in you that applies to him as well? Not saying you’re on the spectrum, but my kids are and when they what to talk about their current special interests they can go on forever.
I’d say be blatantly honest. You’re happy to listen, but sometimes you simply cannot because you need your alone time as well.
I think that’s just kids. They all go through phases where they never. shut. up. Perfectly normal. Some of them carry that into adulthood, unfortunately.
“Sometimes I just like to be by myself and listen to my own thoughts. We can talk tomorrow though. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
trick him into doing something quiet …
Never leave your house.
“Hey, [name], I know you would like to do/talk about X with me, but I’m tired and would like to be alone because [reason explained in a way a kid can grasp easily]. We can do X some other day.”
Basically just make it clear that you still like him, but you can’t always be with him, and explain why.
Take up smoking or drinking to make the experience more bearable whilst also clouding yourself with cigarette/alcohol fumes to pull up a physical barrier. Flap your arms slowly from time to time to add uncertainty, and yawn periodically. Finally, jettison your inkpouch to blind your opponent and scramble into a crevice in the ensuing confusion.
Some kids have a boundless need for attention and talking. Getting them to read, play in another room, or a physical activity (like soccer) can quite themfior a bit.
