BountifulEggnog [they/them]

recovering lib

  • 13 Posts
  • 945 Comments
Joined 1 year ago
Cake day: June 30th, 2023
  • BountifulEggnog [they/them]@hexbear.net
    totraaaaaaannnnnnnnnns@hexbear.net•Trans Megathread for the Week of 6/24 - 6/30 PRIDE EDITION FOUREnglish
    1·
    1 hour ago
    sh feelings, dysphoria (don't read if easily sad)

    sorry I try not to post about it too much because I’m not actually doing it and bringing it up brings a lot of sad vibes to the thread but whatever, I want to get this off my chest.

    I keep having really strong sh urges, like I haven’t felt in a long time (maybe 2-3 years). Its so concentrated on my left arm and I know its from my general dysphoria. I hate my body so much and its just manifesting as this urge to hurt myself and its so hard. Its such a strong feeling. And its not even just for pain like it usually is, but I want to bleed too. Why is this my burden. I feel weak. The urge just keeps running through my mind. It keeps getting worse. My old scars feel like needles.

    I am currently safe however.

  • BountifulEggnog [they/them]@hexbear.net
    totraaaaaaannnnnnnnnns@hexbear.net•Trans Megathread for the Week of 6/24 - 6/30 PRIDE EDITION FOUREnglish
    3·
    3 hours ago
    outdated/cis views of gender and being trans

    Its hard to explain, but I guess I don’t/won’t see myself as a woman until I start presenting that way/passing (which will probably involve hrt and maybe I won’t even then but I’ll try not to get too doomer on something I haven’t even started). I don’t know, I just feel like I’m a guy who wants to be a girl, not necessarily a girl trapped in a guy’s body (although I am trapped in this body). I’m probably not making sense. But I won’t see myself as a woman until I get out of this guy body. And I feel like a lot of trans people do view themselves that way, as being the gender they want to be before transitioning.

    I guess in general I feel like how I look (body/presentation) and am perceived is my gender, not what I wish I was. What I wish I was is just that, what I want. Not what I am.

  • BountifulEggnog [they/them]@hexbear.net
    totraaaaaaannnnnnnnnns@hexbear.net•Trans Megathread for the Week of 6/24 - 6/30 PRIDE EDITION FOUREnglish
    2·
    15 hours ago

    I’m not sure what you’re referring to here.

    What Minecraft server does your therapist play on? I wanna hop in with them.

    I took this literally ^ now that I’m less tired, I’m guessing you don’t mean you actually want to build a minecraft house together.

    Anyway, honestly, the advice isn’t bad.

    I kinda read this as “your therapist isn’t really wrong here” and pushing back on my complaints. I do feel really vulnerable, especially about this. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more vulnerable, now that I think of it.

    I have to be able to read clearly 😅 too much tired posting. Why do I get so emotional when I’m tired.

  • BountifulEggnog [they/them]@hexbear.net
    totraaaaaaannnnnnnnnns@hexbear.net•Trans Megathread for the Week of 6/24 - 6/30 PRIDE EDITION FOUREnglish
    4·
    20 hours ago

    They don’t? Why did you think that? I was tired when I posted and I’m still tired now so that’s not helping me.

    I guess, I don’t know. Maybe I’m just on edge. Maybe I’m not explaining well enough. The influence thing really rubbed me the wrong way. They talked about how one client was telling them about how with all the pride flags a kid could think they’re gay. I don’t know. That story in particular I know I’m telling badly. Maybe it is worth thinking about but it still felt a little icky, you know? Why do you think I’m being influenced to be trans? I can’t imagine someone who is straight thinking they are gay because of gay people being out?

    But yea I should. I don’t really have hormones anyway.

    I know that. Honestly this lasting two weeks would be fantastic. Transitioning looks so hard and damn I’m a sucker for taking the easy route >.<

    Edit: also I really appreciate you pushing back if I’m being dramatic/silly

  • BountifulEggnog [they/them]@hexbear.net
    totraaaaaaannnnnnnnnns@hexbear.net•Trans Megathread for the Week of 6/24 - 6/30 PRIDE EDITION FOUREnglish
    12·
    1 day ago
    complaining about my therapist, detrans, generally not really believing me

    The cw kind of sums it all up but this week’s session really didn’t make me feel better about them. They brought up detrans people and how important it was to make sure before doing anything (I mean I guess?). Talked about how many of their clients stopped after two weeks. They talked about how I never ha e really put effort into how I look and should try that more before deciding to transition.

    Another big thing they brought up was influence, as if I was being influenced into being trans. They talked about that for a little while.

    I’m sure they said some affirming stuff too, like about how small things can be really helpful (like plushies/nails).

    I don’t know. I’m so insecure in my identity already I just wish they weren’t like this. I know some of it seems really bad but this is how they are about other things too, just likes to explore all the options I guess.

    And yes I’m pretty stuck with this one, at least for now. It just really sucks this is the best I have irl (I know having a therapist at all is a huge privilege but I do wish I had some trans/ally friends)

  • BountifulEggnog [they/them]@hexbear.net
    totraaaaaaannnnnnnnnns@hexbear.net•Trans Megathread for the Week of 6/24 - 6/30 PRIDE EDITION FOUREnglish
    13·
    1 day ago

    For example, I myself realized after coming out to my wife that all of my previous dating attempts had absolutely been sapphic in nature. My first order had always been to become good friends with them. Dates would never be labeled as dates because we would just sit and talk somewhere, hanging out together. Consequently, several of my relationships ended simply because I was too scared to make the first move out of destroying the friendship. I would spend half my waking day thinking about them and wanting to be around them, not out of sexual lust, but out of personal infatuation. My first girlfriend straight up told me on our first date that I was unlike any man she’d ever dated because I enjoyed talking instead of just trying to get physical. She broke up with me two months later because I wasn’t as assertive as she wanted from a partner. Genderdysphoria.fyi

    That’s lesbian dating?! God damn that’s what I’ve always thought I’d want from dating. Literally me irl. Are we really sure this is a trans thing??