being on mastodon made me realize i'm insufferable

im not sure where else to post this. it’s a bit of a vent, but I’m not gonna take too long

I’ve been on mastodon for 7-8 years now. mastodon has been pretty cool because unlike other social media, it allowed me to form closer ties to the people there. but this also made me realize how hurtful I can be to people who care about me

making a long story short: mastodon gave me a sense of security about expressing myself, so I went all out. just said whatever came to mind, responded to people honestly, etc. most of the time I always try not to insult anyone, especially when replying to people I care about. one friend made me realize I was being too combative for no reason sometimes and then I decided to take things easier

still, that didn’t prevent me from hurting people I care about, which led me to be blocked by people I interacted a lot and who I considered to be friends a few times. one of those times, I was soft-blocked and saw the guy subtoot about me, so I knew what it was about and had the chance to reach out and apologize. he accepted my apologies, but said I sometimes come across as needlessly aggressive, which, according to him, contradicts what people who know me personally say about me. the other times I wasn’t so lucky, so I just got blocked and have no idea why

all this reminds me of my childhood, when people constantly told me I’m annoying and that I should be quiet, which probably rendered me into a very quiet and shy teenager. I remember taking the piss out of people and enjoying it, so maybe people are right

not sure what to think of it. in the flesh world, people around me say I’m one of the nicest people they know, that I’m very caring and kind. some people say that about me on mastodon too, but I wonder if it’s all just a mask and the true me is the annoying kid I suppressed early in my life.

Rules

1.) ableist language=post or comment will probably get removed (enforced case by case, some comments will be removed and restored due to complex situations). repeated use of ableist language=banned from comm and possibly site depending on severity. properly tagged posts with CW can use them for the purposes of discussing them

2.) always assume good faith when dealing with a fellow nd comrade especially due to lack of social awareness being a common symptom of neurodivergence

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3.) no talking over nd comrades about things you haven’t personally experienced as a neurotypical chapo, you will be purged. If you’re ND it is absolutely fine to give your own perspective if it conflicts with another’s, but do so with empathy and the intention to learn about each other, not prove who’s experience is valid. Appeal process is like appealing in user union but you dm the nd comrade you talked over with your appeal (so make it a good one) and then dm the mods with screenshot proof that you resolved it. fake screenies will get you banned from the site, we will confirm with the comrade you dm’d.

3.5) everyone has their own lived experiences, and to invalidate them is to post cringe. comments will be removed on a case by case basis depending on determined level of awareness and faith

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