No no no. You don’t GET IT. You have to live the American lifestyle, and THEN you’ll understand how everything we say and do makes perfect sense.

Here. Tell ya what. Here’s a gun, 40lbs of sugar and high fructuse corn syrup, and a liter of whiskey. This is breakfast. Eat it all. Yes, even the gun. The gun is made of chocolate only made to train your brain from a young brain that guns are happy times, and assosiate them with the release of positive endorphins to brainwashing you into having a positive assosiation with guns. Also unrelated here’s a pack of cigerrettes. They are also candy…or chalk…whatever. Pick one.

After lunch, once your body is pumped up with alcohol, sugar, and bad choices, we’ll give you a gun! Ha ha ha, just kidding. We’ll give you acess to MANY guns!!! You can’t have just one silly!!! It’s just like Petey the handgun tells us as kids, “Always buy more guns”.

Once you have all of that mastered, we’ll discuss how the metric system is stupid, and we’ll instead be using this banana to measure scale in pictures posted on the internet.

And finally, now that you’re ready for the advsnced topics, it’s time to talk about politics. Remember, YOUR opinion is the only one who matters, and everyone who disagrees is clearly a nutjob trying to tear this country apart! THATS why we need so many guns…because we all know that a civil war is coming, and so we need to prepare by arming ourselves like a one man army.

Oh, you thought I was engaging in satirical absurdist humor? No. This is real life in America…and I didn’t bring up religion yet!