I didn’t start taking E until 3 years after my egg cracked, but I came out to basically everyone over those 3 years waiting for HRT.

cw: Internalised transphobia

I felt a similar insecurity at first, that if I didn’t at least somewhat pass I wouldn’t deserve to be called a woman. I was horrified of how people would react, how likely it could become violent or abusive. But, as time passed and I figured out a lot of my internalised transphobia this feeling started to fade. I spent a lot of time experimenting with femme presentation during this time and that helped a lot with the feeling too. Not in public, but even the experimentation in private made me feel way better and more secure in my identity. It’s a lot harder to believe that you don’t deserve to be a woman when you’re spending hours every night creating the cutest hairstyles in the world. Even if I often felt like I wasn’t passing at all, that I was utterly and thoroughly masculine, the hairstyles gave me a spot of femininity to fixate on and having that made me feel like it was possible, that I could reach a point where I’d pass, but also that I didn’t need to care as much about passing so much as just, being and presenting myself.

But because of those insecurities, and also just a general sense of safety, the first place I came out was my online friend groups. I came out to my main friend group just a few weeks after my egg cracked (When one of my friends that I’d told earlier accidentally outed me, but I was glad for it since it made coming out easier). There was another friend group that I didn’t come out to for months since we VCed much more frequently and I was worried about the reaction if my voice didn’t pass. Eventually I did a few months later though, and no one really minded.

I then came out to my parents at around 6 months after my egg cracked. It was a shitshow that keeps on giving, but that wasn’t due to my not passing, that was due to my mother being very strongly transphobic.

This experience kinda stalled my ability to come out to people though. It took me a full year to come out to someone else. But… It went great. The person was very queer and we had kinda just started being friends a few months prior. But they immediately switched and were very enthusiastic about it. And they’ve since become my best friend and the person I love the most in the world

That experience, and a bit of support from them, helped me come out to other friends and later our classes. So I spent about a year and a half as an out trans woman at school before I started HRT. 6 months of which were before I was even on a waiting list for it.

Extra context for those curious

It taking me this long was mostly due to circumstances out of my control. Tl;dr the one clinic here that offered gender affirming care shut down the same month my egg cracked, and I couldn’t hide DIY from my parents. I basically started E the earliest that I reasonably could once a new clinic opened up, it was quite frustrating in the years between those clinics though.

I wasn’t presenting femme during this period since I couldn’t, but I also stopped being as worried about how people saw me when most people just, didn’t care. I’ve had some transphobes to deal with, but by and large most people just switched and were cool with it. It does help that I’m in a liberal arts school (I’m so sorry I’m a lib 😔…) But my experiences interacting with the other local schools were similar.

I also really can’t overstate how important my private tests with femininity and presenting femme helped me with feeling more secure in who I am. The first few months after my egg cracked I was basically constantly stressed about who I was. Having that outlet really helped emotionally (and it helped avoid embarassment later on)

Presenting femme in public didn’t really start until after I started HRT, but that was due to my living circumstances, I switched when I got kicked out and had reached a secure enough point to start buying clothes. Being out fully femme is hugely helpful though; it’s very hard to deny that you’re a woman when you get complimented on your very explicitly femme outfit by a cashier.

But even before that, a few months prior to being kicked out, I bought myself a dress and sent it to my best friend’s place where we had a little photoshoot and… It was the happiest I’ve ever been. It’s incredible how nice it can feel to just say fuck it and present how you want to, even if it’s just among friends. And being able to do so after 2 and a half years of pining for it, 6 years if you include the time I thought I was just a femboy, that feeling can’t really be described. It’s, well, utterly euphoric.

Sorry this ramble went a bit off subject, but I hope you found something worthwhile in it. I’m sure you’ll become a beautiful woman someday, though I’m also sure that you’re already beautiful and just don’t recognise it yet. 💜