omfg

Sorry for the short reply, I think what you’re pointing out is very well described but I’m not equipped to deal with it

I hate the painter with a passion. He was incredibly dumb and even he knew it. And it’s not just “memory”, it was precious youth time that is lost. I’ll never be a highschooler again. I’m angry. I’d be happier if my past didn’t exist

I was going to study abroad or settle somewhere else sooner or later, I just don’t see anything relevant to this country anymore. I don’t really feel attached to anywhere to be honest: family, friends, country, anything that comes to mind. And I love travel, and I feel sick when I stay in some place for too long. Studying abroad is the best option for me.

I’m just too late, and despite my tremendous effort (including but not limited to completely messing up my sleep schedule for work) since last year, I see people are much better in their position because they just started things earlier. Did the right things. Had a network of people that guided them well. And as I’m typing this here perhaps someone else started something I’d love to do.

I’ll take your advice though, thanks for suggestions

Also many with a similar or worse background than me though

I don’t know. Maybe the adults around me are lazy but literally all can’t move out of comfort zone, start something new.
Since you mentioned, yes I’m trying to study abroad (and it seems very likely). And I should be, because it has been my dream since 14 or something. But I only started preparing last year. Why? I just didn’t know I could study abroad. How could you be so blind that you can’t study abroad is a valid question that I can’t answer. I was misguided by all adults around me - just claimed it’s not possible until masters unless you get into a few super-selective high schools. But I could probably just open internet and ask the same question instead of taking the words of people that can’t even speak English. And I got confidence loss over not getting into these super-selective high schools (and not being able to study abroad), this effect combined with an unfortunate personal event got me into serious mental problems for around two years. This really wasn’t “I didn’t achieve good stuff because I partied too much” case, I didn’t enjoy my time doing unproductive stuff.
I was lucky enough I realized this is not the case later on by some means.
Looking at the opportunities of those students studying at international high schools in my country (which I was able to attend, but didn’t because I was not aware of the whole study abroad thing) who started this process 3 years ago and not 1 year, I’d probably get into Harvard or something of that sort - if I had these opportunities (which I could definitely have).
I just really feel far away from my true potential. I have huge regrets in non-academic areas of my life as well. I just didn’t make the best decisions for myself.

And I’m scared of getting older because I see adults around me at 30s or 40s don’t move an inch from their comfort zone. “I want to do x” “This would be nice” but there are no steps towards whatever they’re thinking of. They just seem stuck. I’m not sure getting married or having kids is what actually causes this effect though.
It seems so real I’ll study in the country I want to settle in, because I might think “nah I can’t spend more effort moving somewhere else, I don’t need more trouble”

I stopped accusing those people to be privileged. Some are, but there are many people from backgrounds similar to me, if not even worse. I met them. They aren’t special. They just act with their minds and make some good decisions. I could perfectly be in a position similar to them if I made the right decisions.

I’m fearing I won’t develop into adult either. Not in the way that I could be satisfied
I could do so many stuff, I had absolutely nothing to do but I chose to do the most boring, most ordinary stuff, which does not help me in the slightest

more prestige, more money, more external validation etc.
anything that sounds cool enough from outside. or anything that I can point at as “look, i spent x years here and here is how i spent my time with”
eg. founding a startup as a highscholer is a good example. or doing some serious research

They had resources, usually from high school, or yes their family led them a bit as well. But the thing is I could have the same resources as well, if I didn’t sleep around while choosing my high school. Or even then, I could just go ask around, I’d definitely get something if I woke up and asked everyone around “I want to invent something”. Ask on internet literally. I didn’t.
It’s not “media” in the conventional sense. I just casually asked someone from a good high school what do best students look like.

Your life hasn’t even started yet. Just enjoy your life, your journey. Once you are old enough, you gonna miss this time.

I’m really sure of that. I’m realizing how much youth affects people’s life later on directly or indirectly and it just makes me more anxious about my decisions. I’m definitely doing many mistakes that my 30 year old will remember with grief.
If I look at my past I kind of did the worst decisions I could. And I could perfectly avoid bad decisions. I just didn’t, in combination of several factors and my ignorance.

I don’t like how I spent my time myself. I could do better

I honestly didn’t really enjoy my past years. It’s not like I was partying in the time I’d be doing new projects.
That number is definitely not anywhere near 10 or 15. And I’m not comparing myself to “average” because I was never average. Median income globally is 12k$ per year, and half of the people are earn lower than that. I only compare myself with people from similar background as me, and I see numerous examples they just did better choices with their time and opportunities.

Your example kind of assumes every option is created equal. It definitely isn’t.
I get a much better analysis of what I have done in my past as time passes. I realize I missed so many objectively good paths. I wish I could see what I’m currently doing in retrospect from future. Like, my future self comes and give me advice

Nobody expects anything of that sort from me. I want it myself. I see people from similar backgrounds who has went through a different path than I chose (which was, usually, not based on reason or thought) and achieve great things. I just don’t want to miss more opportunities anymore and it’s incredibly hard to make sure you’re on the right path.
I’m trying to do some stuff and have been semi-successful. But it’s not the same as people starting earlier

Psst you are 17. You can’t even legally waste your life on alcohol or drugs yet in Canada. Maybe you are/were messing around and causing trouble. You can still get out of it at this stage.

I wasn’t really causing trouble to people around me, but I definitely caused trouble for myself. Either by lack of awareness or by laziness or mental problems. I just didn’t do anything for myself. I think I don’t miss anything that has happened in the past a lot, I just did regular stuff that was just enough to keep me afloat

I know almost everyone has a parent or relativ tell a kid to be the next Galileo, Mozart, Bill Gates, Elon Musk, or invent the next thingymajig. But it’s more about what you desire to do, what you desire to be.

No one tells me that. In fact, everyone around me usually tells me “I’m proud of you” “I wish I was you” or stuff like that mostly for some good stuff I did in the last year
I’m just not content with myself. I want more, and seeing people that have more makes me feel bad so I also want that

I hinted in the post I was 17
What I achieved doesn’t satisfy me (nor my actions), and I want to change that

I’m not history-level obsessed on fame/glory/prestige (yet, lol) but I just want to prove myself or get validation etc. tbh
I just don’t feel like I’m on the right track for the life I want.

Besides, you don’t know how many people out there are looking at you right now and going, “damn, wish I was OP, having the maturity to question their place in the universe at only xx years old!”

And I’m saying the same for 14 year olds 😭 They’re so mature and have some understanding of the life lmao, something I definitely didn’t have. I was so dumb at the time.

I don’t mean “sleeping around” literally, I just didn’t know what phrase to use to describe just kind of not doing any out-of-box activity and missing opportunities around you in general.
I did this too much it kind of affects some of my personal life negatively atm.
Context: I’m hope-to-be international student
I’m whining I have so little time to prepare for college admissions but… I could literally start preparing 2 years ago but I didn’t know I could study abroad at the time. Which is, kind of the dumbest assumption I made in my life. Have I never seen a single international student? Why would they not let you enroll? Why I decided I couldn’t study abroad for some reason? Why I took the words of the principal or family for a topic like that, they literally can’t speak English? Worse, I got really upset for not being able to study abroad for two years bc it was like my dream - this combined with some others factors made a few years of high school a mental hell for me
I could attend an international high school that would help with the process but I (literally this time) slept around instead of researching high schools.
I didn’t learn German even though I set that myself as a goal before, now I can’t apply to German universities, which would be free so I wouldn’t be stressed for getting scholarships right now
My examples are academic only but similar stuff exist in my social life as well, or like any other area
And time passes so fast I feel the pressure on my shoulders to not sleep around at least because I know I’ll regret that later on

money hungry ladder climber

I think this is pretty close to my life outlook right now. I really don’t have any dream like that tbh 😭