So back at the time I did see pictures, but then she didn’t really have a picture on her WhatsApp profile (???)

And then a few days after, she unmatched (???)

But today we did a video call and she’s cute af, but she seems a bit sensitive to sexual advances right now, so I gotta chill on that (I complimented her boobs 😂)

EDIT: Thanks for the support on the job side!! I’m rooting for you too!!

Hahahaha!! Too right dude, too right!!

Oh man I had no idea you’ve lost your job too! So sorry to hear - I hope you get a job soon!

Friday guy wanted to take your cock off??!?! 😱 I hope your cock has recovered!

Jokes aside, the dude sounds like a real winner! As always, super impressive all the mad sex you get on a weekly basis!

Man, I had like a whole paragraph typed up and it got lost! I wonder if this has been happening for some time!

I’ll keep this one short in case it reappears:

• Thank you! I gracefully accept my prize!
• It has been a while, things have been up and down. Work sucks. Applying for jobs sucks. Family have been awesome throughout the whole ordeal.
• I’ve matched with another woman, although she hasn’t given selfies when I asked (despite asking me and I gave selfies - in my PJs no less!!) so I think that’s a red flag tbh.

I matched with this girl on Bumble, and the conversation went from “lets meet up in London” to “lets meet up at your town”.

We met up, had coffee, went back to my place, made out and had some filthy sex!

Sad news is that I thought this was going to lead to a capital R relationship, but I think she just wanted to have a cheeky shag. Nothing wrong in it, but I wish she hadn’t strung me along.

Doesn’t Matter: Had Sex.

EDIT: Completely forgot two things:

• She said I had a big cock! Anyone who knows my past knows I had some insecurities around this area, so I was so chuffed to hear that!
• She said I was the first person to have made her cum through penetrative sex alone!!

My friends, I think I deserve a trophy 😎 😎 😎

4 hours!?!? That must be a new record!!

Oh absolutely. I’m in my mid-thirties, and let me tell you I can do with more friends! 😂

She’s absolutely brilliant to boot!

Nothing super naughty, but over the new years I got chatting to this girl at work who:

• Called me cute
• Gave me a cute name like triceratops (it has our own meaning)
• Been talking to me non-stop at work and pretty much over the holidays

So I’m thinking to myself “yeah she likes me”. I’m calling her cute and complimenting her, she is receptive, calling me cute etc.

During a conversation I’m talking about medical issues I have with travelling across the country, and she is asking me about whether I could travel etc. I basically ask if she’s asking me to travel to hers (which I would kindly point out why I can’t do that at least if she said yes) and she says this:

“I’m already in a relationship, so I’m not interested in you that way (:”

So I’m like “oh well, blew it”

After a few days of not really talking (I backed off out of respect) we are back taking like we did before.

I think she likes me in some capacity, but not romantically or sexually. Shame, because she’s hot AF.

Still, I got a chatty new friend!

Sounds like an absolutely great time!!

I haven’t been on here for quite some time. In short - I was made redundant at my job and was very quickly shitting myself (I literally got myself a house a month ago and I’ve got myself a mortgage) and going job-hunting. I had an interview last week, so I’m hoping that has gone well and I get an offer soon.

So up until now, no naughty fun. In fact, quite the opposite.

On Sunday I went out on a date with a lady I met off Hinge. We seemed to have conversational chatter with our voice notes, so I figured it would be good to meet her in person.

She was quite shy and didn’t really do much talking (I’m sure I chatted both our ears off) outside of other opportune moments where she seemed really excited. She also told me (both on the date and in voicenotes up to the date) that it takes her a long time to warm up to people. For reference, she is divorced and her ex basically emotionally abused her as well as quite literally had an affair for half their marriage as well as had a kid with another woman while forcing my date to be on the pill (at the time she really wanted kids). So yeah, scumbag and I’m not surprised she was shy.

HOWEVER! She has agreed to another date with some Egyptian VR thing as the date in the new year, and we’ve even agreed to try and meet up before the new year as a dinner date. So that was really nice!

The one thing I am kicking myself over is that I didn’t kiss her. Two reasons:

• She did say she took some time to warm up. She seemed to really like me, but I didn’t want to risk overstepping my boundaries.
• She was quite literally coughing throughout the date. She wasn’t feeling well, but still turned up (I mean, that’s got to count for brownie points, right?)

I do hope we get a date soon so I can get the opportunity to kiss her though. We seem to have so much in common and she’s just such a delight, not to mention she doesn’t deserve even half the shit she’s received with her shitty ex. It would be nice to see the relationship progress :)

Did you colour your hair?? You wear the brunette look really well!!

I’m cracking like a madman. Thank you 😂

A nice lil bubble butt!

In that case, I aim to live forever

20

Glad to see someone saw it as funny 😁

😥

Well I put it in my list just for completeness sakes, but yes I don’t really listen to Ja Rule.

On the other hand, I don’t think I’d care if anyone did listen to Ja Rule or any other artist, tbh.

https://youtu.be/J8y8Ziwswe0?feature=shared&t=21

Oh man, do I have reccs!! It really does depend on the genre of hip hop, though

• Kendrick Lamar
• J Cole
• 2Pac
• Dr Dre
• Snoop Dogg
• Ice Cube
• Kurupt
• MC Ren
• MC Eiht
• Too $hort
• DJ Quik
• Warren G
• Luniz
• Nate Dogg
• Xzibit
• 50 Cent (his first album is pretty neat. The other ones though)
• Notorious BIG
• Mobb Deep
• Nas
• Wu Tang Clan
• Big Pun
• Bone Thugs-N-Harmony
• A Tribe Called Quest
• De La Soul
• The Pharcyde
• Mos Def
• Digable Planets
• Pete Rock & C.L. Smooth
• Souls of Mischief
• J Dilla
• Common
• Slum Village
• Busta Rhymes
• Redman
• Ol’ Dirty Bastard
• DMX
• Naughty By Nature
• Jadakiss
• Ludacris
• Ja Rule (apparently a contentious choice to put in my list. Oh well)
• I did hesitate to put this artist on the list, but Kanye West - especially Graduation and before. Albums afterwards are… debatable.
• Joe Budden

And a few songs you may not heard of

• Byron Messia - Talibans
• P Money, Silencer ft. Chip, D Double E, Dizzee. Rascal - Stuttering
• Stormzy - Wiley Flow

(I would add more, but work has started :'( )

So I’ll be completely honest - my first time was with an escort. If you want to read the story about my virginity hijinx, then read on ahead. Otherwise, you are more than welcome to skip and/or pass judgement at me.

It was proper shady too - the lady looked nothing like her online profile (she looks like a fat old woman, and her profile seems to suggest she is in her 20s), and I didn’t realise I could walk away. That, and at this point I was 31 and desperate to get laid. I pay this lady for 1 hour of her time - please stick a mental pin in it.

So I go into the room she wants me to go into. It is dark af. At this point I’m like “huh, this is how I die. Never could’ve forseen this”

Then the escort with a thick Russian accent told me to take my clothes off. I was so nervous, I stupidly said “all of it??” as if I can have sex in my boxer shorts. Of course she told me to take off the boxer shorts too.

So I’m standing up, butt naked and she’s fiddling my todger like she’s trying to crack a safe. This isn’t going so well.

Next thing, I’m instructed to be on all fours on the bed, bum facing her. She then proceeds to give me a blowjob. A bit weird, but whatever - I’m getting my dick sucked. todaywasagoodday.mp3

Next thing I know, this weird, moist feeling occurs around my butthole. Oh my god. THIS LADY IS RIMMING ME. I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS, LIKE AT ALL!!

It felt so weird to have my salad tossed, but honestly it was fucking amazing. This is turning out to be one hell of a first time experience!!

She then tells me to lie down, and then says we are having sex. FINALLY!! What I came here to do! But then she asks me quite possibly the worst question I could hear from an escort.

“Condom or raw?”

I literally blanked for a moment because I was like “wait, no, that’s illegal” until my dumb-dumb brain made me realise no, that shit isn’t illegal, and not only that, but many other guys have diddled her raw and have been spreading god-knows-what.

Since at this point I’m so close to getting laid, I just say “condom” and she puts on a condom and then fucking sits on my dick.

It had got to be the weirdest sensation. I didn’t know what to expect, and I was already a bit conflicted, so my dick may not have been as hard as I was expecting, but it just felt like a space station entering the vast cosmos of space. I felt like my member was so insignificant in comparison to the lady. If anything, I probably walked away thinking my dick was microscopic.

Eventually I start thrusting up (I am a spaceman wanting to explore the cosmos, after all). At this point she is clearly fed up with me thrusting into her and tells me to go missionary.

So I go missionary. All I can say is if there was anyone watching through some secret camera or something, I am so sorry. What you saw was a man flopping around like a fish out of water. I now know sex isn’t exactly dignified, but holy crap that could not look less dignified.

And then I came, the escort told me my time was up and that I needed to shower. Did the shower and left. Checked my watch, and I had only been there for 15 mins.

For those who care about my sex life, I have visited escorts - or should I say I’ve visited one escort that I immensely trust for over a year now. Admittedly, life has been exciting where dating, sex, and escorts are no longer playing the big part, but I’m sure pretty soon it will.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.