For anyone curious about the “boinked a horse” bit. This question came up on that other site (“So uh, where did the whole Robert E Lee having sex with his horse came from?”). This plausible-sounding answer came from user Sea2Chi. I promise it doesn’t end with anyone getting body-slammed through a table at Hell in the Cell.

Sea2Chi•1y ago

“ Oh this is one I can answer!

So early American high society was OBSESSED with roman history. Young men were expected to learn Latin and often translated original roman literature and books to English and recited it to their friends for fun. You can also see this trend reflected in wealthy building styles of the time which basically were “Yes, but can we add more Roman columns to it?” There are a lot of examples of this in Southern plantation mansions.

Given this national obsession it’s understandable that a young Robert E. Lee would have been extremely interested in reading about roman military history. The Romans fought the Carthaginians in numerous battles and while Hannibal’s war elephants are probably one of the most famous features today, the Iberian light cavalry scared the absolute shit out of many roman generals of the time. They were regarded as unsurpassed horsemen and would conduct lighting quick strikes which shattered more inexperienced troop formations. Lee was obsessed with them and studied them endlessly as a young man.

Fortunately for him, the romans wrote quite a bit about the Iberian Cavalry, and what made them so formidable. At it’s core, the key strength was that the rider and three mounts they owned had extremely close bonds and they would keep the same highly trained horses, all of them mares, for as long as the animals lived. The first horse was considered the main battle horse. The second horse was a young one that was being brought up to be the main battle horse and would be used if the first became exhausted or injured. The third horse was basically a retired battle horse and was used as a light pack animal and to help train the other two. Collectively, the Iberians referred to these mares as equus uxorem, or horse wives.

The Romans recorded that the reason for the strong bonds between rider and mount was that from the time the horses were fillies, the cavalryman would have nightly intercourse with them, establishing himself as the dominant male which would allow levels of training obedience unseen with other horses. While this wasn’t exactly a secret in Lee’s time, most American young men scoffed at the idea of fucking their horse for better training. However, Lee graduated second in his class at WestPoint. He was known for being intellectually intense, single-minded, and doing whatever it took to win.

According to diaries and journals of those close to him, from the time Lee was a student at WestPoint until his death he would make his way to the stable every evening to “train” his equus uxorems.

Unfortunately for Lee, modern historians have realized the extent that Roman written histories tended to be written for Roman consumption and therefore played up or embellished things about their enemies as propiganda. It’s mostly agreed today that the phrase horse wife wasn’t to be taken literally and that the Iberians never actually had intercourse with their mounts as a form of training.

So at the end of the day, Lee spent 40 years fucking horses for nothing other than his own pleasure and a misunderstanding of Roman trash talking. “