Like I’ve known since the early-mid 10’s, but I’ve only really ever been trans online.
I’ve just stagnated in boymode for years taking shit dosages of HRT cuz I’m poor.

Seeing people’s eggs crack in real time and then a year later they are a woman is like a surreal and painful experience.
On one hand it feels like I have been trans longer than all these people, but on the other…have I?

I see people make timelines like “5 months on HRT vs. 2 years on HRT” (or stuff like that) and know I could never do one of those because my relationship to HRT has been so chaotic and inconsistent.

I just feel so alienated from the trans community, or at least the one that constantly gets pushed into my face on Twitter.

I’m making an active effort to be better, to push myself and escape this purgatory, but it’s hard when you feel so by yourself.

I feel like the last couple years would have been so much worse if I had remained an egg, but at the same time I wouldn’t have this guilt and shame and regret for wasting so much time that I know is completely my fault.

Idk why I am making this post

bocchi-cry

  • Chronicon [they/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
    9·
    7 days ago

    Oh I am on actual good doses now, I’m fine in that regard I think.

    oh good! congrats

    I feel that, socially transitioning feels like jumping off a cliff to me, a point where I can never go back and other such scary stuff. But most of that isn’t true. It’s not really a point of no return, and I don’t have to explain myself to anyone I don’t want to. Having contact with local IRL trans groups/people would probably help a lot with providing a built-in support group if you don’t have one otherwise. I feel like being trans online carries a very high risk of self-hatred-causing brain worms unfortunately. Maybe IRL stuff isn’t the perfect solution, but I guarantee you there are people who know exactly what you’re going through and would be willing to help you work through the fear in a safe environment. I can’t speak for anyone but myself but I preach far more confidence online than my IRL self has. saying it is easier than doing it, but its also not a good substitute for living authentically.

    • Tomboymoder [she/her, it/its]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
      8·
      7 days ago

      Having contact with local IRL trans groups/people would probably help a lot with providing a built-in support group if you don’t have one otherwise.

      I’ve tried going to two different ones, but one was a couple towns over and happened late at night so commuting via public transit was a pain.
      The other is more local, but they meet up less frequently.
      Idk, I don’t want a support group…I just want someone to help me, y’know?

      I feel like being trans online carries a very high risk of self-hatred-causing brain worms unfortunately.

      I have those in spades, probably to a cancelable degree.

      • Chronicon [they/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
        6·
        7 days ago

        Idk, I don’t want a support group…I just want someone to help me, y’know?

        yeah… but I don’t just mean a support group, though those could maybe be helpful, I was thinking more like, community events and stuff that are trans-led or trans friendly. I don’t take my own advice on this one though yet, and I may just be lucky to live in an are a with a lot of that kind of thing going on. even like, concerts, art shows, community dinners, idk. Ideally you’d make local friends and not only see these people in the group setting, I guess

        I have those in spades, probably to a cancelable degree.

        unfortunately a huge mood :/ I think I’m pretty good about not applying them to others but its hard to fully uproot them from my own thinking. I’ll be feeling pretty good about myself but then they creep back in if I ever flinch or have a moment of doubt. Staying away from toxic online spaces helps IMO (I never went on /tttt/ thank god but I did get some 4chan brainworms when I was much younger, then a LOT from reddit and such)