cross-posted from: https://programming.dev/post/14816537
Iām 43 years old but apparently I have a baby face, good hair for my age and everyone believes Iām in my mid 20s, even though I already have some gray hairs nobody seems to notice (so far).
I started the lie: first time I started my last job at a hospital immediately after my bachelor and told my new coworkers my real age (38 at the time) they started judging me: why are you not married, why donāt you have children, what have you done in the last 20 years.
The way these women asked was accusatory, like Iām a failure for being almost 40 and not having children or being single. At that moment I decided next time somebody at the workplace asks me for my age, to blatantly and shamelessly lie: Iām 25, leave me alone.
Since that bad experience Iāve worked at 2 other hospitals and my lie has always helped: patients and coworkers believe Iām 25 because as said I look like it, donāt pester me about children or marriage and while my current coworkers are gossips and need drama to live, they donāt push my buttons because I donāt give them any ammunition. Itās tolerable.
Note that I didnāt lie in my application and accounting and management at my workplace know very well my real age, but my coworkers and direct manager are oblivious to it: On my first day I just told them Iām 25 and they didnāt question it.
Now, I have the body of a 43 year old, meaning I donāt lift heavy patients like a 25 year old and sometimes I come home with back pain. I donāt know if Iād get better assignments if Iām sincere about my age (Iād like that, but is it realistic?). I just donāt want to get to 65 with a broken back. I donāt want drama either, just to work and go home.
I lie to protect myself.
If I need to change this, why and how?
Busybodies are definitely the problem. When someone directly asks me about my age I just kind of silently and blankly stare at them until they stop asking.
Bluntly, Iām here to work because thatās how I make money which I need to survive. Youāre my co-workers, not my friends. Iāll be friendly, but letās keep discussions work-related. My age, is not an important piece of information for anyone to do their job. My birthday is the same.
People tend to guess, but theyāre met with the same silence and blank stare. If they start asking why Iām not answering, I just tell them that Iām not willing to discuss my personal information.
If they canāt respect my boundaries, that seems like a āthemā problem. If try to make their problem into my problem, then it will become HRās problem.
Personally, I donāt work in highly social environments anymore (I work in tech, almost entirely remote work), so generally I donāt have a lot of opportunities to have small talk with my co-workers. Iām fortunate like that right now. Previously, I would mainly deal with it by exercising my constitutionally protected right to silence. Itās amazing how effective it can be to give someone zero reaction to their question. You didnāt say no, nor give them a reason, nor did you give them an answer. It weirds them right out.
Now, Iāll add the caveat that I do not give any shits about what people think of my beyond my professional capabilities. I think the only times Iāve given a reaction to it is when someone asked why I wouldnāt entertain the questions about my age and birthday, and my go-to reply is that āIām a very private personā. I donāt talk about family, friends, dating/love life, personal finances, the things I own, where I liveā¦ (Itās a long list) When Iām working. The only other topic I try to avoid at work is politics, since itās so universally polarizing. Discussions about literally anything else, totally cool. My personal life and politics? Iāll be over there points working. Tyvm.
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