I’m still on my journey of understanding the differences between autism and other. My focus today is eye contact, so let’s have a discussion!
Guiding questions:
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What do you think is the underlying difference that causes autistic people to use less eye contact than others?
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What does it feel like for you?
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How do you interpret other people’s eye contact?
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Do you avoid it, use short glances, or maintain NT-levels of eye contact?
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Does it vary by situation?
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Anything else you would like to discuss regarding eye contact?
Question is open to anyone. If not identified, then the assumption is the user is autistic. Otherwise, if you’re NT or other ND, please state so 🙂
I can’t really think while doing eye contact with someone who’s talking to me. It’s either listening to them while turned away or keeping eye contact and not registering anything they say
Eye contact is particularly interesting to me because it was one of the first things I was ever self-conscious about. My parents never told me I was autistic, though in retrospect, they definitely knew. Anyway, I remember thinking something was wrong with me around late elementary school/early middle school because I couldn’t keep eye contact. I would try but would feel too weird at the time. It was like I would get dizzy, take off to another dimension, and completely miss anything that happened while I was maintaining eye contact. Sometimes, it was so apparent that I was having difficulty in the moment, that other people would notice something was going on with me. I didn’t know what it was and was confused as to how others forced themselves to maintain eye contact so intensely and easily.
I asked a trusted teacher about it one time. She looked pretty concerned and suggested that I look at people’s eyebrows when I talked to them. I tried it, but that didn’t feel right either. What I ended up doing is socializing with people that were okay with me looking off to the side during conversations. Later on when in college and taking classes on communication, I remember they would say that eye contact was an essential listening skill. During these classes, we would have role plays in front of the class to practice conversational skills. I would get stressed whenever these role plays would come up because I knew that it was either (a) I maintain eye contact and not hear the message while I feel intimately violated or (b) I hear the message with impressive recollection but then get criticized for looking disinterested.
- What do you think is the underlying difference that causes autistic people to use less eye contact than others?
The best I can come up with is that I’m hyper sensitive to some sensory inputs, and eye contact it one of them. Eye contact to me is like establishing a direct line from my mind to someone else’s. I feel too much empathy, that it overrides how I am feeling. Vice versa, I feel that the person can feel too much of me, and that is too vulnerable.
- What does it feel like for you?
For me, it depends. If it’s someone I trust very well or am romantically involved with, then I engage in eye contact because it’s super awesome being connected at such an intimate level.
If it’s someone I know and am friendly with, then I use purposeful short glances to see how they’re feeling, especially in moments when they are sharing something that I find their feelings to be important information. If they are sharing something intimate or emotionally difficult, for example a difficult moment that they are experiencing, then I may maintain eye contact a little more until I feel I have a sufficient understanding. It’s like the eyes are the confirmation of or filling in the missing information of what they are saying.
If it’s someone I don’t know, I will barely make any eye contact if at all. Instead, I will look at their mouth. This is especially helpful if there is too much noise because it allows me to lipread. It also gives more information on their emotional disposition than looking at their eyebrows. If I’m too close to them that looking at their mouth would make them uncomfortable, I look off to the sides. I probably come off as completely disinterested, which I am not, but that’s better than eye contact with a stranger.
- How do you interpret other people’s eye contact?
Again, it depends on our relationship. With strangers and acquaintances, it feels completely invasive like they can see the inside of my mind. As a thought exercise, if the options were either to be completely naked or maintain eye contact, I would choose to be completely naked. In some cases, I will turn around enough so that they can’t make proper eye contact, or become so uninteresting or disinterested that they stop. With closer friends, I have no problem if they keep it limited and they don’t expect it from me. With intimate relationships, I expect it. If they don’t engage in it, then I think something is up with them or the relationship.
Does anyone else relate to this?
Yes, you said it perfectly. Eye contact is intimate, that is why people do it after all. It transmits a lot of information. That is the reason why I don’t like eye contact with people that I don’t like or can’t empathize with. Lots of people are full of anger, and I don’t like to feel any of that.
Otherwise, very well said. I relate to a lot of this, also the “being able to see what’s in your mind” when other people look at you. That is exactly my impression, too.
Thank you! I’m glad we were able to relate on it. I think it’s helpful for self-awareness and developing healthy relationships.
It’s a lot, just that when I having eye contact my mind gets overloaded. Fan fact, I avoid eye co tact even when watching a show or a movie, I rarely look at characters faces and I miss a lot of facial expressions.
I think that is one reason why we tend to like shows like star trek. They almost play like they’re on a stage where you have to see their expressions from afar. pretty easy to catch what’s going on.
Just like at the zoo, I don’t make direct eye contact with the apes for fear of having feces flung at me.
It’s emotional-assault, or brutalization.
It took me decades to desensitize to it.
Others don’t like me having eye-contact with them, because I’m too intense.
Lose-lose situation.
Situation Normal, iow.
: P
Others don’t like me having eye-contact with them, because I’m too intense.
When people have told me that, I think it was because I was forcing myself to maintain eye contact rather than do it naturally like NTs do, so I would do wayyy to much of it 😳, which made them feel uncomfortable. “How do you like it‽” 😆
Diagnosed as ADHD but definitely have more going on.
When I was a kid I would look down when walking. When I tried to do eye contact it was very difficult and I would feel overwhelmed and my eyes would even start watering up and I would get some other physiological symptoms like coughing or running nose.
As an adult I have overcome this and I now am the opposite. I stare too much and I don’t look away. I bore right into peoples minds and even though I know it can be disconcerting for others, I do it anyway and I don’t really care. I’m not sure why I do this, but it might be part defense mechanism and part desire for connection and understanding.
Most others soon realize that I don’t obey social cues and they feel uncomfortable and distance themselves. But that works for me since I am introverted and somewhat antisocial. People say I am “intense”.
Looking at others eyes overloads me, too much info. So I just look at the mouth instead, helps me understand their words more.
I understand that eye contact is important for communication, but I just get intensely uncomfortable if it feels like more than a few seconds. I keep something I can fidget with around me at all times, to give a reason to break eye contact. I’ve also leaned into “animated” listening: exaggerated expressions so they know I’m listening. I think it also conveys more trust with the person, because they get much more comfortable sharing after a couple minutes even without lots of eye contact.
Self-diagnosed with way too many symptoms of Autism and ADHD.
I’m moderately near sighted so my dependence on my vision as an important sense is lower than normal - I don’t focus on visuals very well to begin with, and then Autism on top of it.
If I look at someone, which itself isn’t frequent, I look at their face, I don’t look right at their eyes. Even when I feel like I’m looking toward the eyes I’m kind of “not focusing” on them per se.
People ask me what someone’s eyes look like or their expression was or even eye color, I couldn’t tell you. Brain straight up doesn’t register it unless I go out of my way to monitor it and then I’m weird for doing so.
Eye contact is a bit “intimate” IMO. You don’t need it for day-to-day conversation.
I have eye contacted my wife, but I trust her. Not a regular occurrence. And even then it’s a bit odd, but it’s her, doesn’t bother me as much.
Honestly, I think I just avoid looking at people in general. I think it took a while for me to realize I was even doing something unusual. I think I noticed when people seemed to think I should know things like “what color shirt someone was wearing”. Like, why would I know? Not sure that was an autistic thing though or more of a “I don’t want people observing me, so I don’t do that to others” kind of thing.
How do you interpret other people’s eye contact?
If I noticed someone is making unusual amounts of eye contract, I probably laughed at them. Just seems ridiculous and they most be trying to do it as a joke.
(self-diagnosed)
I have taught myself to do it relatively well, although it still feels like their is electricity in the back of my brain. I can think through it but it’s hard. I also do it intermittently, I don’t make myself hold it unless for very serious conversations. I also tend to look at one eye at a time, but no one has called me out on it yet.
… are you not supposed to look at one eye at a time?
To me, depends at how far I am from them. up close, I can only look at one eye at a time. Which eye I choose depends on how much I want to engage. If I want all in, I’m going with the eye they’re using to look at my eye. If I want a little separation, then I will look at the other. Maybe from about 25 feet (7.5 m), I can focus on both eyes at the same time.
I don’t think so. I think you’re supposed to look at both somehow. I haven’t got this completely figured out.
I don’t.
What do you think is the underlying difference that causes autistic people to use less eye contact than others?
At least for me, it’s just that it makes me uncomfortable, simple as that.
How do you interpret other people’s eye contact?
Like an invasion of personal space. If I’m not intimate enough to be hugging you, I certainly don’t want us to stare at each other’s eyeballs.
Do you avoid it, use short glances, or maintain NT-levels of eye contact?
Yes, I avoid it as much as possible. If I’m forced to interact with some asshole that demands to be stared at in the eye, I try using tricks like looking at a point behind their ears.
Does it vary by situation?
Yes, as I said, it depends on intimacy. The less familiar I’m with someone the less I’m comfortable with eye contact.
understanding the differences between autism and- ? Other what’s?
Understanding the difference between autistic neurotype and every other neurotype. If you would like, you can choose specific neurotypes or provide education on neurotypes that also share a similar style with eye contact.
Makes me think of The Hypno-toad - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDsIlAXWORw
lol! Yesss! This is very close to how I experience it. Too overwhelming that I dissociate.
eye contact feels like someone is talking to me, and most of the time it feels like they’re unaware they’re talking, and like they’re telling me intimate details that seem like a bit much to be sharing.
I feel similar! It’s like they are being too intimate. I feel completely uncomfortable with that in the vast majority of situations/relationships. In fact, I accidentally did it at salsa dance class this week with someone I barely know. I have only seen them in dance class once a week for the past ~4 weeks. Anyway, I maintained eye contact because it helped me understand what they were feeling, which was important information while we were learning and executing a complicated move. However, I didn’t just pick up on how they were feeling about the dance. It felt like they were having sex with me with their eyes. I still feel a bit violated by it, but maybe I misinterpreted what I picked up on. Regardless, I am going to make sure I limit eye contact in these situations. It’s too much for that level of a relationship.
I don’t want to look into anyone else’s brain, and I’m really not interested in having anyone looking into mine
From what I can tell, we are pretty similar in regards to eye contact. I found quite validating, so thank you for sharing. Check out my response to this post if you are interested.
I still experience it inexplicably. I can do it because I was abused to do it. Doesn’t mean I understand it.
