Posting this here because Iām unsure of where else to post something like this.
Over two years ago at this point I mutually ended a nearly year long relationship with someone I was still in love with. We were graduating high school and while still going to colleges in the same city, realized we were in over our heads and were in an unhealthy situation so we split it off. It destroyed me. It took me a year to get my shit together (I went on a minor drug-binge for about 3 months after and spent probably $6k from eating out and making sure I always had enough bud) but I eventually met my current partner. Things arenāt perfect in our relationship but I genuinely love her and we work to further strengthen our relationship. I donāt know that I see the rest of my life with her, but weāve been together over a year now and I donāt have any intention of ending things anytime soon. We also live together so making it work is more of a necessity lol.
But I canāt get my ex out of my head. Iāve spent nearly every day for the last two years trying to let go of her but I donāt know why she keeps popping into my thoughts. I donāt love her, I donāt want to be with her, I donāt want her in my life. And ahe isnāt, but Iām still dealing with this. I do have a therapist who Iāve talked at length with about this but I donāt know, something about her just is stuck in my head. Maybe I preferred sex with her? I doubt it but she did kinda define what I consider my ātypeā, so maybe itās just sheās more unromantically attractive to me? But it feels so much deeper than that. If it were those shallows reasons I feel like it wouldāve been easier to debug and diagnose. She was my best friend. One day she was in my life, the next day not. It feels like a very specifically sized puzzle piece is missing and now thereās a small hole in the puzzle.
I donāt know, itās kinda maddening. I donāt have most social media, so itās easier to avoid her online and not think about her. But occasionally I find myself borderline stalking her, except itās just me gathering random information I already know from OSINT tools with no intention or idea on how to utilize it (Iām well aware of how to use OSINT data, I mean in this specific situation). Part of it just feels like someone really important to me was rapidly removed from my life and I yearn to reconnect with them, but I guess I fear what such an endeavor might reawaken in me. I donāt love her, at least I donāt think I do. If I do it would be monumentally fucked up and I would feel like Iām emotionally cheating on my partner, who is somewhat aware of this issue but thinks I have it figured out (I thought I did too; Iām not knowingly lying to my partner). I donāt know, I sent them a proper goodbye email a few months ago and thought that was that but itās clearly not. And Iāve put so much time and effort into trying to wrap it up for myself but now it feels like Iām just lost and stuck. Part of me just wants to reach out and ask if we can get a cup of coffee, but the other part of me recognizes the red flags in that immediately.
I just want to be done with this. I want my brain to get it through itself thar itās over. Itās been over. Thereās no changing the past, and if I could, I donāt think I wouldāve reached the point where I am in life with my current opportunities if we had stayed together. Part of why we broke up was because as I was learning how to sell pot (which I was never very good at), I became a massive stoner (which I am very good at). She wasnāt anti-weed but didnāt appreciate it. When eventually saw that us growing apart was hurting each other and decided to leave things behind. Being young and dumb, I didnāt handle the breakup well. I didnāt do anything bad or harmful to her or anyone else, but it was obvious to both of us that I wasnāt okay afterwards. When I feel like I needed her the most, she was gone from my life. In doing so she broke our promise of prioritizing our friendship over the relationship. I donāt really know. I understand a lot of the reasons why Iām hurt and some are justified some are not. I understand the role I played and the responsibility I had in hoe things ended. I was not a great partner in a lot of instances, and neither was she. But part of me wonders if we had met now what it would be like. But I wouldnāt have been who I am now without her and without being without her. Iām just so fucking unsure man.
Iām sorry if this is really rambly. I expect that the majority of answers will probably be to just get over it already, which Iām trying to do. I just donāt feel like itās the right thing to ask to see her again, because that feels like an eventual mistake rather than closure. Idk, tell me Iām an idiot or an asshole to my current partner or something. I just want to be done with dealing with the legacy of a long-dead relationship.
TL;DR: Mutually ended a significant relationship when I wasnāt ready. Been kinda fucked since. Want to not be fucked so I can be a better partner. I suck for this.
Edit: Thank you to everyone who has commented thus far. A lot of the discussion has been really helpful and Iāve got some new leads on how to debug this issue. Iām trying to respond to everyone and I canāt express how appreciative I am.
If this was a highschool relationship my advice would be to just wait. I was devastated when I broke up with my highschool sweetheart but every year it became less important.
Breaking up is something you learn to do just like anything else. In my case I found out the person I grew into isnāt someone the person I was seeing would have loved and the person I am now isnāt someone who would love the person I used to date. Now all the emotions I had and all the things that I thought were important seem trivial
Hope this helps, and donāt stalk it makes you weird and everything youāre experiencing worse.
My rule of thumb is it takes one year of grief for every year invested in a relationship. The fact that itās been two years for a one year relationship is a bit concerning.
Iām not so sure on that rule. Itās not like I experience a set time period of grief after a relationship ends thatās half as long as the relationship lasted. It usually comes in waves. A bad week, dreams or even a certain smell might trigger a moment of grief that could last from minutes to weeks. As time passed they happen less frequently, last less time and have less emotional impact but they still happen. I wouldnāt suggest that itās out of the ordinary to be having these feelings if they are occurring 2 years after the end of a 1 year relationship.
Different people will move on at different rates and thatās okay. Just do your best to keep yourself healthy (mentally and physically). If you are struggling with moving on and you think itās actively harming your health it is crucial to seek some form of therapy however.
I appreciate the insight. And yes I agree the stalking is weird and creepy and this will be the last time I do it. Itās not something I enjoy, but in my darker moments Iām more affable to my intrusive thoughts. That isnāt an excuse though.