Posting this here because Iām unsure of where else to post something like this.
Over two years ago at this point I mutually ended a nearly year long relationship with someone I was still in love with. We were graduating high school and while still going to colleges in the same city, realized we were in over our heads and were in an unhealthy situation so we split it off. It destroyed me. It took me a year to get my shit together (I went on a minor drug-binge for about 3 months after and spent probably $6k from eating out and making sure I always had enough bud) but I eventually met my current partner. Things arenāt perfect in our relationship but I genuinely love her and we work to further strengthen our relationship. I donāt know that I see the rest of my life with her, but weāve been together over a year now and I donāt have any intention of ending things anytime soon. We also live together so making it work is more of a necessity lol.
But I canāt get my ex out of my head. Iāve spent nearly every day for the last two years trying to let go of her but I donāt know why she keeps popping into my thoughts. I donāt love her, I donāt want to be with her, I donāt want her in my life. And ahe isnāt, but Iām still dealing with this. I do have a therapist who Iāve talked at length with about this but I donāt know, something about her just is stuck in my head. Maybe I preferred sex with her? I doubt it but she did kinda define what I consider my ātypeā, so maybe itās just sheās more unromantically attractive to me? But it feels so much deeper than that. If it were those shallows reasons I feel like it wouldāve been easier to debug and diagnose. She was my best friend. One day she was in my life, the next day not. It feels like a very specifically sized puzzle piece is missing and now thereās a small hole in the puzzle.
I donāt know, itās kinda maddening. I donāt have most social media, so itās easier to avoid her online and not think about her. But occasionally I find myself borderline stalking her, except itās just me gathering random information I already know from OSINT tools with no intention or idea on how to utilize it (Iām well aware of how to use OSINT data, I mean in this specific situation). Part of it just feels like someone really important to me was rapidly removed from my life and I yearn to reconnect with them, but I guess I fear what such an endeavor might reawaken in me. I donāt love her, at least I donāt think I do. If I do it would be monumentally fucked up and I would feel like Iām emotionally cheating on my partner, who is somewhat aware of this issue but thinks I have it figured out (I thought I did too; Iām not knowingly lying to my partner). I donāt know, I sent them a proper goodbye email a few months ago and thought that was that but itās clearly not. And Iāve put so much time and effort into trying to wrap it up for myself but now it feels like Iām just lost and stuck. Part of me just wants to reach out and ask if we can get a cup of coffee, but the other part of me recognizes the red flags in that immediately.
I just want to be done with this. I want my brain to get it through itself thar itās over. Itās been over. Thereās no changing the past, and if I could, I donāt think I wouldāve reached the point where I am in life with my current opportunities if we had stayed together. Part of why we broke up was because as I was learning how to sell pot (which I was never very good at), I became a massive stoner (which I am very good at). She wasnāt anti-weed but didnāt appreciate it. When eventually saw that us growing apart was hurting each other and decided to leave things behind. Being young and dumb, I didnāt handle the breakup well. I didnāt do anything bad or harmful to her or anyone else, but it was obvious to both of us that I wasnāt okay afterwards. When I feel like I needed her the most, she was gone from my life. In doing so she broke our promise of prioritizing our friendship over the relationship. I donāt really know. I understand a lot of the reasons why Iām hurt and some are justified some are not. I understand the role I played and the responsibility I had in hoe things ended. I was not a great partner in a lot of instances, and neither was she. But part of me wonders if we had met now what it would be like. But I wouldnāt have been who I am now without her and without being without her. Iām just so fucking unsure man.
Iām sorry if this is really rambly. I expect that the majority of answers will probably be to just get over it already, which Iām trying to do. I just donāt feel like itās the right thing to ask to see her again, because that feels like an eventual mistake rather than closure. Idk, tell me Iām an idiot or an asshole to my current partner or something. I just want to be done with dealing with the legacy of a long-dead relationship.
TL;DR: Mutually ended a significant relationship when I wasnāt ready. Been kinda fucked since. Want to not be fucked so I can be a better partner. I suck for this.
Edit: Thank you to everyone who has commented thus far. A lot of the discussion has been really helpful and Iāve got some new leads on how to debug this issue. Iām trying to respond to everyone and I canāt express how appreciative I am.
You keep thinking about them, because you have yet to find someone, who can satisfy the feelings you used to experience. Completely distancing yourself first is a correct step. You know what to do, you just need to do it. Meeting new people, let alone at a level of connection like this, is quite difficult, so try to fill your time with hobbies. The more involved, the better
Iām unsure its that simple. Iām in the healthiest relationship Iāve been in and I love my partner dearly. Another commenter offered a completely new framing of the issue which i havenāt had time to dive into, but seems very fascinating.
I agree, itās not that simple. No relationship Iāve ever been in has compared with how fervently I loved my first love, who was also my first serious adult relationship. I loved her so much it was unhealthy.
We dated for about four years, then split up rather unexpectedly. It took me several years to get over it, even going through another two serious relationships in the meantime. A new relationship doesnāt just erase the experience and the pain. Distract for a time, maybe, but itās still there until you work it out.
I think different people accept the loss of a relationship differently. Iām a big olā nerdy nerd so I had to do it intellectually: I started mapping out what the relationship was actually like versus how I felt it was like. I was surprised to gradually discover it was toxic as hell. I began to see how the ex I loved and practically worshipped was also immature, noncommutative, and manipulative. I also saw their positive attributes for what they were and that, despite my brain screaming at me Iād never find someone like that again, they were actually pretty common. Thatās when I really started to understand that my ex was a regular person just like anyone else and I had put her on a pedestal. The intense feelings of longing and loss then gradually subsided with time, especially as these realizations caused me to stop thinking about her as often and especially to stop fantasizing about seeing her again or even getting back together. It wasnāt just that I no longer had the desire to see her again - I actively wanted to never see her again. She was awful.
Thatās just my experience, hopefully to give you some additional perspective. Iām an open book if you have any questions.
Thanks for your insight! I do look at the relationship now and see that we were both exceptionally flawed people and thereās baggage from that relationship (unrelated to this) that Iāve had to take care of. Iāve done what I can to map it out because Iām also quite similar in that regard, but it just keeps feeling like dead end after dead end. We werenāt the best to each other, but we certainly werenāt horrible people just young and dumb. I have had to deal with not placing her on a pedestal though.
Someone else said it may be me still trying to process the unexpected failure of the relationship rather than longing for the person themselves, and I think it could be a good lead for further analysis. It feels like a good idea as a lot of my what ifs towards her are about what couldāve gone differently or what may go differently if thereās a second chance. But contrary to some of the people here, I donāt really want a second chance. My ex kinda hated weed and i smoke it daily. She didnāt like smokers and well my cigarette consumption is down but my nicotine usage is still sky high. Iām not the young, brighteyed kid she played D&D with but someone whoās been hardened by time and paranoia (im in cybersecurity, it comes with the territory). I know it wouldnāt work now for the same reasons it didnāt work then. And understanding that the loss of the relationship was neither of our faults but just poor circumstances that were largely unavoidable (although i did try).