Posting this here because Iām unsure of where else to post something like this.
Over two years ago at this point I mutually ended a nearly year long relationship with someone I was still in love with. We were graduating high school and while still going to colleges in the same city, realized we were in over our heads and were in an unhealthy situation so we split it off. It destroyed me. It took me a year to get my shit together (I went on a minor drug-binge for about 3 months after and spent probably $6k from eating out and making sure I always had enough bud) but I eventually met my current partner. Things arenāt perfect in our relationship but I genuinely love her and we work to further strengthen our relationship. I donāt know that I see the rest of my life with her, but weāve been together over a year now and I donāt have any intention of ending things anytime soon. We also live together so making it work is more of a necessity lol.
But I canāt get my ex out of my head. Iāve spent nearly every day for the last two years trying to let go of her but I donāt know why she keeps popping into my thoughts. I donāt love her, I donāt want to be with her, I donāt want her in my life. And ahe isnāt, but Iām still dealing with this. I do have a therapist who Iāve talked at length with about this but I donāt know, something about her just is stuck in my head. Maybe I preferred sex with her? I doubt it but she did kinda define what I consider my ātypeā, so maybe itās just sheās more unromantically attractive to me? But it feels so much deeper than that. If it were those shallows reasons I feel like it wouldāve been easier to debug and diagnose. She was my best friend. One day she was in my life, the next day not. It feels like a very specifically sized puzzle piece is missing and now thereās a small hole in the puzzle.
I donāt know, itās kinda maddening. I donāt have most social media, so itās easier to avoid her online and not think about her. But occasionally I find myself borderline stalking her, except itās just me gathering random information I already know from OSINT tools with no intention or idea on how to utilize it (Iām well aware of how to use OSINT data, I mean in this specific situation). Part of it just feels like someone really important to me was rapidly removed from my life and I yearn to reconnect with them, but I guess I fear what such an endeavor might reawaken in me. I donāt love her, at least I donāt think I do. If I do it would be monumentally fucked up and I would feel like Iām emotionally cheating on my partner, who is somewhat aware of this issue but thinks I have it figured out (I thought I did too; Iām not knowingly lying to my partner). I donāt know, I sent them a proper goodbye email a few months ago and thought that was that but itās clearly not. And Iāve put so much time and effort into trying to wrap it up for myself but now it feels like Iām just lost and stuck. Part of me just wants to reach out and ask if we can get a cup of coffee, but the other part of me recognizes the red flags in that immediately.
I just want to be done with this. I want my brain to get it through itself thar itās over. Itās been over. Thereās no changing the past, and if I could, I donāt think I wouldāve reached the point where I am in life with my current opportunities if we had stayed together. Part of why we broke up was because as I was learning how to sell pot (which I was never very good at), I became a massive stoner (which I am very good at). She wasnāt anti-weed but didnāt appreciate it. When eventually saw that us growing apart was hurting each other and decided to leave things behind. Being young and dumb, I didnāt handle the breakup well. I didnāt do anything bad or harmful to her or anyone else, but it was obvious to both of us that I wasnāt okay afterwards. When I feel like I needed her the most, she was gone from my life. In doing so she broke our promise of prioritizing our friendship over the relationship. I donāt really know. I understand a lot of the reasons why Iām hurt and some are justified some are not. I understand the role I played and the responsibility I had in hoe things ended. I was not a great partner in a lot of instances, and neither was she. But part of me wonders if we had met now what it would be like. But I wouldnāt have been who I am now without her and without being without her. Iām just so fucking unsure man.
Iām sorry if this is really rambly. I expect that the majority of answers will probably be to just get over it already, which Iām trying to do. I just donāt feel like itās the right thing to ask to see her again, because that feels like an eventual mistake rather than closure. Idk, tell me Iām an idiot or an asshole to my current partner or something. I just want to be done with dealing with the legacy of a long-dead relationship.
TL;DR: Mutually ended a significant relationship when I wasnāt ready. Been kinda fucked since. Want to not be fucked so I can be a better partner. I suck for this.
Edit: Thank you to everyone who has commented thus far. A lot of the discussion has been really helpful and Iāve got some new leads on how to debug this issue. Iām trying to respond to everyone and I canāt express how appreciative I am.
It sounds less like youāre missing your ex, and more like that youāre disappointed in the fact that the relationship failed. It sounds like you built up an expectation of your relationship with your ex, and when that ended up falling through, you feel let down. And it sounds like you canāt decide whether to put the blame on her or yourself.
If Iām reading that correctly, I think the best thing to do is to acknowledge this fact, that the issue is not that youāre missing the relationship, but that youāre struggling with the emotional letdown when your relationship ended up being less ideal than you initially planned. Because if you keep thinking that the issue is that youāre missing her subconsciously, youāre going to get led to the wrong solutions. For instance, putting blame on you or her isnāt going to solve the actual issue.
If we take this premise to be true, then I think addressing the real issue probably comes down to thinking about what your expectations were and thinking about how the relationship was never going to meet those expectations from the beginning (based on the examples that you gave). Ultimately, I donāt know your situation, and Iām not a therapist. But thatās my interpretation of what you wrote
Holy shit dude thatās not a perspective i had considered before. thatās massive damn. i need to chew on this for a sec but i genuinely appreciate this. i think your analysis is very accurate and helps me reframe the issue. it would explain why i feel like im making so little progress, because Iām not debugging the actual issue. thank you again!
This was kind of an eye opener for me as well. Iāve had a hard time of letting go of some of my exes, and I always wondered why. What you said coupled with the fact that I sometimes have a habbit of idealizing a relationship and fanatsizing about what it would look like 3, 5, 10 years from now, is at the root of the problem, but I never framed it like that.
Thank you for the words of wisdom š. I am past those relationships, but I never figured out why it took me so long to get over them.