Posting this here because Iām unsure of where else to post something like this.
Over two years ago at this point I mutually ended a nearly year long relationship with someone I was still in love with. We were graduating high school and while still going to colleges in the same city, realized we were in over our heads and were in an unhealthy situation so we split it off. It destroyed me. It took me a year to get my shit together (I went on a minor drug-binge for about 3 months after and spent probably $6k from eating out and making sure I always had enough bud) but I eventually met my current partner. Things arenāt perfect in our relationship but I genuinely love her and we work to further strengthen our relationship. I donāt know that I see the rest of my life with her, but weāve been together over a year now and I donāt have any intention of ending things anytime soon. We also live together so making it work is more of a necessity lol.
But I canāt get my ex out of my head. Iāve spent nearly every day for the last two years trying to let go of her but I donāt know why she keeps popping into my thoughts. I donāt love her, I donāt want to be with her, I donāt want her in my life. And ahe isnāt, but Iām still dealing with this. I do have a therapist who Iāve talked at length with about this but I donāt know, something about her just is stuck in my head. Maybe I preferred sex with her? I doubt it but she did kinda define what I consider my ātypeā, so maybe itās just sheās more unromantically attractive to me? But it feels so much deeper than that. If it were those shallows reasons I feel like it wouldāve been easier to debug and diagnose. She was my best friend. One day she was in my life, the next day not. It feels like a very specifically sized puzzle piece is missing and now thereās a small hole in the puzzle.
I donāt know, itās kinda maddening. I donāt have most social media, so itās easier to avoid her online and not think about her. But occasionally I find myself borderline stalking her, except itās just me gathering random information I already know from OSINT tools with no intention or idea on how to utilize it (Iām well aware of how to use OSINT data, I mean in this specific situation). Part of it just feels like someone really important to me was rapidly removed from my life and I yearn to reconnect with them, but I guess I fear what such an endeavor might reawaken in me. I donāt love her, at least I donāt think I do. If I do it would be monumentally fucked up and I would feel like Iām emotionally cheating on my partner, who is somewhat aware of this issue but thinks I have it figured out (I thought I did too; Iām not knowingly lying to my partner). I donāt know, I sent them a proper goodbye email a few months ago and thought that was that but itās clearly not. And Iāve put so much time and effort into trying to wrap it up for myself but now it feels like Iām just lost and stuck. Part of me just wants to reach out and ask if we can get a cup of coffee, but the other part of me recognizes the red flags in that immediately.
I just want to be done with this. I want my brain to get it through itself thar itās over. Itās been over. Thereās no changing the past, and if I could, I donāt think I wouldāve reached the point where I am in life with my current opportunities if we had stayed together. Part of why we broke up was because as I was learning how to sell pot (which I was never very good at), I became a massive stoner (which I am very good at). She wasnāt anti-weed but didnāt appreciate it. When eventually saw that us growing apart was hurting each other and decided to leave things behind. Being young and dumb, I didnāt handle the breakup well. I didnāt do anything bad or harmful to her or anyone else, but it was obvious to both of us that I wasnāt okay afterwards. When I feel like I needed her the most, she was gone from my life. In doing so she broke our promise of prioritizing our friendship over the relationship. I donāt really know. I understand a lot of the reasons why Iām hurt and some are justified some are not. I understand the role I played and the responsibility I had in hoe things ended. I was not a great partner in a lot of instances, and neither was she. But part of me wonders if we had met now what it would be like. But I wouldnāt have been who I am now without her and without being without her. Iām just so fucking unsure man.
Iām sorry if this is really rambly. I expect that the majority of answers will probably be to just get over it already, which Iām trying to do. I just donāt feel like itās the right thing to ask to see her again, because that feels like an eventual mistake rather than closure. Idk, tell me Iām an idiot or an asshole to my current partner or something. I just want to be done with dealing with the legacy of a long-dead relationship.
TL;DR: Mutually ended a significant relationship when I wasnāt ready. Been kinda fucked since. Want to not be fucked so I can be a better partner. I suck for this.
Edit: Thank you to everyone who has commented thus far. A lot of the discussion has been really helpful and Iāve got some new leads on how to debug this issue. Iām trying to respond to everyone and I canāt express how appreciative I am.
I donāt think this is something that unusual (or at least I hope so lol). This is someone that played a significant role in your life, that from one day til the next is suddenly not there anymore. For me this felt a bit like a part of my everyday life just died. Although Iām not sure how much you can compare this to the grief from death I feel like there are some similarities.
As others have already said, it does get easier with time, where at some point you will probably notice that you havenāt thought about her for some days and then from there on the times where you think about her get further and further apart.
I know that for me I also had some underlying issues that really exacerbated the situation in a bad way. Therapy helped here so much. Not trying to say that you necessarily need therapy, but if you think that you may also have some underlying issues I really think that this will help immensely.
Hope you can work through this and can get happier with your current situation and partner.
Totally unrelated, but a friend opened up about his feelings about his fianceeās sudden death a couple months prior. He said sometimes heās just going about his day, and something awesome happens, and he thinks āI canāt wait to come home and tell Hannah!āā¦ but then a moment later he remembers that Hannah is gone.
thatās really heavy damn
I appreciate your insight. I am in therapy and it has helped a lot, itās just the progress on this particular issue has been slow. Iām used to a lot more rapid and iterative development when working on myself and this has just taken forever to debug. Sometimes for a period of time I do stop thinking about her, but eventually she enters my thought space and I guess because I still have so many associations to her, when my brain pulls random information for whatever the context is she ends up getting pulled as well. fuck me thatās gonna take a while to properly fix haha. I definitely have underlying issues but thatās where i tend to use the rapid, iterative development so i have a good handle on those for the most part.