How do you guys deal with parenting? My wife had work events all weekend last week so I had to be on point 100% and then continue to all week. Now this weekend we had a girl scout hike and my wife wanted to go to a special event with me in the evening. I haven’t had time for any real solitude for two weeks and am mentally/emotionally drained.
How do you guys deal with this? I feel like a bad parent/partner for not being excited for these things or feelings negative about doing them. Am I expecting too much from myself? I don’t know, thanks for reading anyway.
You need to take the time to regulate. If you don’t then it just ends up in a meltdown at best, and a total shutdown at worst.
And I’m sure everyone would rather you just swerved a social event that deal with that. I know for me, at least, I’m utterly done mentally and emotionally for a couple of days after a shutdown.
I will hopefully assume your wife knows that you’re autistic and your needs. Just tell her that you’ve gone none-stop for two weeks and that you’re at critical point for regulation. If you can, might be worth taking sick leave from work.
That’s true, thank you. My wife said as much as well but I always pressure myself into things because I feel like they are important. I need to remember to take care of myself as well. Not easy.
It’s hard. Talk to your wife about getting time off and do the same for her.
It’s easy to feel bad about getting “exhausted” from quality time with loved ones, but keep telling yourself not to feel bad. Needs are needs, and neglecting them is irresponsible.
If you let yourself fall for the trap or just “pushing through” all the time, you will burnout and you will contract depression. The type of depression that sucks your life out so bad you may even lose the ability to notice something is wrong.
Make room for yourself where possible. Some things to consider:
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2-4 hours alone time every evening after kids are in bed for a week. Set a deadline for when you are done coordinating the next day, discussing car maintenance, stop housework, etc. The series you are watching with your wife will have to wait.
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It is not wrong to take a sick day from work when you are genuinely working to prevent breaking down.
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Vacation days if nothing else works.
I’m a single dad and have been for a long time. My “me time” in the evening has always been essential. It’s sacred.
Thank you. I’m not the best at communicating my needs, especially mental needs, this is very helpful.
Seems like some great advice here.
I was in the same situation (also being bad at communicating mental needs). But eventually found the words to communicate it.
Took some time, but now my partner is even starting to recognize when I may need some time to myself and is much more accommodating.
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We all get worked up and stressed from time to time. Life is all about finding that next rest spot to take some time for yourself.
I think the obvious answer is you need a nice 2-day weekend for yourself. Not necessarily alone, but just doing some stuff you want rather than only what you need.
That sounds great and all, but its a fantasy for many parents. If I took two days off, my wife would be homocidal.
Then you both need to compromise on what a “day off” means for you both. Of course you can’t reject your personal responsibilities, and having children will certainly not help, but everyone deserves a way to work through stress. I hope you have your own outlets!
I’m autistic, and one of my 4 kids is also autistic. Their mother died when they were 9, 11, 13, and 15 and I raised them after that by myself. All I can say is that it was hard. What I found to be most useful was writing down rules that we all had to follow and then sticking to it, including the way punishments worked, which basically ran on a sliding scale depending on issues met. There were also specific rewards for doing good things as well. Basically coming up with a plan, including the kids in that plan (they helped determine the rules) and then sticking to it. Those rules included who was responsible for what chores, etc.
It made things much easier, although of course kids will be kids and will always push the boundaries.
It left a lot more room for us to have fun together.
Sorry for your loss. That sounds like great advise. Challenges always occurs and I’m glad you found a way to make it work.
Investing in a nanny or babysitter to relieve you of duty periodically for even an hour or two is the only thing that keeps all of us sane.
I wish there were more resources for parents instead of the assumption that two people can handle the well being of a child
Look at Moneybags here able to afford a temporary caretaker.
That is good advice, but definitely out of reach for a lot of people.
The struggle to get alone/special interest time is really hard as a parent and partner. Eventually my relationship suffered for that and various other reasons, and now I’m divorced. I was married to an NT. Now I’m a single father and it’s still difficult, but I try to find me time after my son is asleep, if I’m not too exhausted.
Thanks for the responses and being here everyone. It really means a lot.
When I had kids, autism was still for boys. I think I’m in a minority though because I wanted kids a lot. So I see them as independent extensions of myself. I didn’t get the socialization issues with them, and would make a point to bring at least one kid when they got older as my support person. They didn’t know this though.
It was actually easier for me to be around other people when they were young because they gave me something to talk about.
