I transitioned to ftm over ten years ago and I thought I was done with the gender stuff. I transitioned really well, I look like a cis-bear, and I have a beard that other guys get envious over. Socially and emotionally tho? Something was wrong.
I thought I was done but the more I tried fitting into that role, the worse I felt. I was taking the doctors suggested amount of testosterone, I looked passing, but I just wasn’t fitting in. I felt more like myself, and at the same time I feel like I lost something. Like my ability to read a room and to have creative flexibility. I started feeling clogged. Like parts of me were shut behind a barrier.
Then, thanks to “cool healthcare” I lost access to my testosterone temporarily. It was obnoxious at first, but after a few days I started feeling great. More relaxed, more creative, more open to other people. More like- myself??? Uh oh.
Then it hit me- I’ve been stuck in dysphoria for ages. I just didn’t notice because the dysphoria prior to T was so much worse. I still see myself as a man, but I want to be a funny little guy and not a beef boy.
Anyone else have an experience like this?
Yeah I think part of the issue is that treatment for trans men is so one size fits all.
I was put on 0.5 ml per week, which is the treatment for most trans men- but I’m so androgen sensitive that I had to reduce it because my levels skyrocketed.
Then I reduced it to 0.4, and I still feel like it’s way too much.
And I’ve gotten pressure from other trans men who are like: “no you transitioned so well of course that’s you. Why would you throw that away?”
Cuz it feels like I’m a walking brick and I never have fun anymore??