Fly swatter that burst in to a million bits the first time I hit a fly.

A five dollar automatic open umbrella that shot right off the shaft as soon as I hit the button.

Strawberrys…

On day of purchase they were fine, i put them in a fridge and next day all rotten and moldy…

At this point, pretty much anything purchased on Amazon. Nowadays even stuff that looks like it’s from a legit seller can end up being a knockoff from a scam seller because of their warehouse storage logistics. Or they sell a high quality item long enough to get good reviews on the listing, then switch it out with some cheap piece of shit to take in the dough until the rating is tanked, lather rinse repeat. It’s just becoming more and more like Wish/Temu where the listings are straight up lies and they just rely on people not wanting to do through the trouble of a return.

This was a few years back, before I knew this was even possible, but a portable hard drive off of Amazon. Not only was it sharp on all edges, it was only programed to show the storage without actually having it. I spent an evening “moving” docs from a dying laptop, only to plug it in the next day two find a fraction of what I thought I moved over.

Also, a yoga mat that disintegrated when I went to do a plank. Just pressing my hands into it was enough for it to flake apart.

I purchased a hammer at a dollar store once, just to see how bad it was.

I found out when the head of the hammer flew off on a back-swing and put a whole in the wall. The neck of the hammer was made of flimsy, hollow tube metal and the head had only been tack-welded on in 2 places.

1985 Pontiac Sunbird and my parents had a 1986 Buick Skyhawk. Both were exactly the same car, just different front fascia. Same crappy 1.8L SOHC engine and terrible build quality.

Both cars blew head gaskets at 50,000 miles and my Sunbird blew it again at 65,000miles. Neither car were ever overheated. The A/C on both cars died at 60K. Various parts of the exterior and interior were just plain falling apart. The cars’ performance was absolutely abysmal.

The cars were so bad that I haven’t purchased another GM product since, nor will I ever buy another product from GM. My Dad had bought a mid-90’s Oldmobile 88 and it was actually OK for the most part. It just ate alternators, until I convinced him to put an upgraded aftermarket unit on and that problem was solved. Later he bought a Chevy Traverse and that thing was an absolute piece of trash. He had to put timing chains on it at 70k and that was a $2500 bill. The power steering also went out on it multiple times. He had the steering rack and power steering pump replaced multiple times.

I traded my old Sunbird in on a 1985 Toyota Corolla GT-S and THAT was my absolute favorite car of all time. I autocrossed it for several years and it never broke. I’d love to find one to restore. I have owned multiple Toyotas in my 39 years of driving. My current car is a Camry Hybrid.

A knockoff iPhone charger from China. I plugged it into my computer and it literally caught fire.

Measuring cup from Walmart. Packaging said dishwasher safe. It was not.

Better Homes Food chopper that couldn’t be disassembled to clean it. Potato chunks got pulled up into the housing by the blades and just rotted there with no way to access it. The exact same model is still sold in stores.

Microsoft Surface.

In no particular order:

The Al Cantera keyboard cover stated delaminating and the top layer started peeling off just from the friction of resting your hands on it. Started happening within months of getting it.

Battery failed after just a few years of daily use, I’m talking completely refused to charge, you unplug the charger even after leaving it in overnight and the screen goes black instantly. And while most laptops can run just fine with a dead battery as long as you keep it plugged in at all times, not the Surface. The little magnetic connector supplies so little power that the device is forced to down clock to below 1 GHz to keep from shutting down due to undercurrent. And sometimes it shuts down anyway because fuck you.

It’s also glued so tight, and the front glass is so thin, that you basically can’t open it without destroying the screen in the process.

Also, the magnetic charge connector started having contact issues around the same time the battery was starting to fail, so the moment you bump it, it disconnects and causes the device to turn off. It also just refuses to connect half the time when you plug it in. Gotta jiggle it, blow into it, shake and hit it a bunch of times, and pray. I’m pretty sure it’s the tablet’s side that’s the problem because changing chargers did nothing, and the charger that came with the problem tablet worked fine on another Surface. Gotta love when companies make the fragile part of the connector apart of the $2000 device that’s sealed shut with glue and put the more robust part on the cheap and easily replaceable charger.

It’s also really bad at going to sleep. Way too many times I’ve closed it, put it in my bag, and when I take it out it’s scalding hot and the battery is nearly drained. It’s your own device Microsoft, running 100% your own software. How the hell do you fuck it up?!

Worst. Tablet. EVER. And probably ruined any potential that laptop-replacement tablets once had, which is a shame because I still like the tablet form factor.

I bought some “Amazon basics” trash bags once. Their sides were not even properly laminated together. Just pulling them off the roll made the sides split open. Never again.

Recycled plastic bin liners. They literally split at the seams as I was peeling them off the roll.

Second place goes to a pair of cheap shoes. Literally walked the soles off them in two weeks.

Third place goes to a pair of nail clippers from a consignment store. The metal bent rather than cut through my fingernails. (Maybe it would have worked better under the red sun of my home planet?)

A cheap USB 32GB pendrive. It would barely reach 1MB/s transfer speeds and started corrupting files almost instantly.

A pack of six light bulbs. Five of them sheared right off the metal base like wet tissue when I screwed them in, just one right after the other. Fortunately the last one worked. I was a poor college kid with no transport then, so getting that pack of bulbs for my single lamp was a lot of effort, I was disappointed.

A friend of mine made an online store and he started selling e-waste ahem… various affordable electronics. He wanted me to test a Chinese tablet, and I said yes. This was back in the day when Android Honeycomb was a thing and iPad 2 was a reasonable option, so even the best tablets weren’t that great.

I got the tablet, charged the battery, booted it up, and it was just barely ok. It worked, but it was really slow. I mean, like slower than my first Android phone. This was not even last gen hardware. It was clear that some all corners were cut. The storage, CPU, RAM, bandwidth etc. Every component was the slowest one available.

Anyway, the testing went slowly, as you would expect. It ran out of battery very quickly, because of course it did. Why put large cells or even mediocre quality cells in a cash grab like this. So, I charged it up and continued testing later until it ran out of battery again. Rinse and repeat.

After a few days of testing, It just didn’t boot up any more. Apparently some of those cheap components just couldn’t take the heat that comes with using a battery powered device. Rust in pieces! I hope this abomination gets ground to shreads and drowned in sulfuric acid.

I returned the tablet to my friend and I never heard from it again.