I’m pretty sure I’d make a pretty bang-up pet psychic. I’m good with reading the body language of most legal house pets, and telling people what they want to hear. I think I could offer genuinely good advice enough times that I could justify what I’m doing and how much I’m charging for it.
I’ve actually thought about this, and landed on this
1: Give myself stigmata 2: Hide the wounds while I hike up a mountain with a group of people (some of who I know, but most I don’t) 3: Once I get to the top, make a scene as if I had just been hit with the pain, spout some vaguely sermon-like sentences, get carried down the mountain, feign being baffled at the doctor’s office 4: “Confide” in members of the Catholic church until one of them believes me, try to fool the pope 4 a: if I successfully fool the pope, see how much money I can make before moving to step 5 4 b: If I fail to fool the pope, publicly denounce the Catholic Church and pivot my target audience to the people who don’t like the pope (did he recieve stigmata on a mountain?? I didn’t think so) 5: Make a big deal of donating all my accumulated possessions (see step 4 a) while using the proceeds to do things like feeding and housing the poor, start a new sect of Christianity that’s just communism in a trench coat
With this plan I’ll be dunking on the pope, siphoning money from evangelical chuds, funding communist revolution, AND spreading propaganda all at once
A heirarchical cult of gay nerds full of social incompetents with a shit-load of money. A completely amoral and shameless man could fuck his way right to the top.
Good thing my second commandment was “Thou shalt be Volcel, sex is liberalism”
